Saturday, September 02, 2006

Requiem for a Dream

"Is life just one never ending 12-12 job ?"

Pardon me for being away from updating this page for a long time. In fact the major reason for my absence was that I am now a salaried person trading my time and skills in lieu of seeing a five digit figure flash on my bank account on the first of every month. When I had started penning down my thoughts on this page, I had been a hot blooded energetic and enthusiastic individual living his dream day by day. And here I am today sitting in this corporate jungle inside an AC room in front of my DELL LCD screen amidst a crowd of software zombies whose lives are ruled by the smell of some green notes, a professional status that makes them counted in the society and an urge to make some practical usage of their national identity and foreign offerings (read: passports and H1B visas) to venture into a land, more than 10 hours behind us. Much of that energy and enthusiasm is missing now, as I surge ahead to synchronise myself with this new found way of life. Yet I am still moving on in the pursuit of my dreams. Meanwhile, my self realisations keep flooding me with questions that are beyond the reasoning of my intellect.

Remember the time we were growing up as kids... Our dreams and needs were pretty childish and a blend of both materialism and innocence. As kids, a chocolate bar, a simple toygun or toycar or even an ice cream was a million dollar bribe for us. We always sought temporary bliss and permanent happiness was an obsolete ideology for us. As times changed and we grew older, we lost our innocence but our materialism and the lust for temporary bliss refused to wither away. If I am not wrong, during our college days when our spirits were high and morale boosted up, we all wanted to grow up faster to get closer to attaining the dreams that had resided in us for long. As we grew older, our attention got diverted towards meeting our daily requirements, earning money, raising a family, paying heed to family responsibilities and as a whole just surviving life and our dreams got slowly and slowly erroded from our memories. And finally as we were rendered immobile by the shroud of senescence, those dreams returned to torment us for betraying them and pushed us into a quicksand of ruefulness. No matter however happy we are, unaccomplished dreams are unforgiving and hurt us the most, decimating our hard-earned happiness.

Coming back to the topic of concern, we belong to that faction of society which believes greatly in legacy and ancestry. There is nothing wrong in it and I am in fact proud of it because it keeps us motivated to perform better and reminds us of our responsibilities towards the society. But sometimes we take it a bit further. The society frames us in such a manner that it becomes mandatory for us to follow the populist norms. Our society is built around such a framework that allows an individual to either tread the path of his antecedents or the way of the common social being. A farmer's descendent is expected to plough his land, a businessman's descendent is expected to carry on with his business, the son of a priest is expected to become a priest while the child of an entertainer/busker is forced to become one like him. I have witnessed umpteen such instances in print, media, gossips and person. Take the case of a teleplay, that I had seen when I was pretty small but could never forget, about a guy who wanted to be a painter but for his father's adamant persuasions ends up as a money minded doctor doing things he had always hated. When he becomes a father himself and his son tops the medical exams but opts out to become a painter, he decides not to let his son bury his dreams like he did and gives him the much needed freedom of choice. In fact if we start looking for instances, be it in movies like Ardhasatya or real life cases from our neighbourhood, there has been a constant trend of others' ideologies prevailing over an individual's. Now check this out... There has always been a surge for availing populist jobs in the country. In the pre 80s, it was lectureshp while in the period starting from the 80s till the mid 90s government jobs became the cynosure of all eyes. And then came the software boom and everyone wanted to relate to it. The prize catch of our times has been a management degree that would make a prince out of any elligible fortunate post graduate. Quite logically, family pressure, peer pressure and social pressure make you fall prey to these glossy obligations because of the fat paychecks associated. Then you start asking everyone what is more important the huge flashy paychecks or living your dream everyday ? No body answers, may be because no body wants to confront reality. I have seen hugely talented people with their hearts in arts, sports, science and other such wide and diverse but uncommon genres, ending up as a normal engineer with a software firm or a doctor with a reputed nursing home or a government official just because they were also good at it and not because they were interested in it. Why is it that some things like quizzing, singing, acting, sports, writing, gaming etc. are appreciated as hobbies but that is the limit upto which they are tolerated? Why is it that people can pay to watch movies, sports games, plays and dance programmes, read books but not let their kids be actors, players, dancers, singers or writers? Why is "out of the box thinking" not appreciated? When will people abandon materialism for satisfaction? All this inspite of the fact that the persons who have made a mark in this world and have brought about radical changes have all been different from the common lot and had followed their dreams.

Times are changing though with more parents allowing their children unearth their vast repository of talents and invest in what we better know as extra-curricular activities. This is not because of letting their children follow their dreams but more because of the big bucks associated with these. Well if things continue the same way, dreams will get lost somewhere in old hindi movie song lyrics and english poetry and life will get more and more mechanical. I have my dreams and am too young to say whether I can achieve them or not. What I can wish for is that the zeal that I have now never ceases and I don't bow down to the pressure of my society, abandoning the very purpose of my existence - my dreams. Because when you lose the purpose of survival, life becomes just another never ending 12-12 job.


P.S. : The title for this article has been taken from a 1978 novel by Hubert Selby, Jr. adapted into a 2000 film of the same name, directed by Darren Aronofsky, and starring Ellen Burstyn, Jennifer Connelly, Marlon Wayans.

Friday, May 12, 2006

A Tale of Meetings and Partings

"Destiny decides when we meet and situations decide when we part but it is we who decide whether we meet again."

I have been caged in this human form for the past 21 years and what I have really understood is that the very basic thing that separates us from machines and other non living entities is our unique ability to feel and perceive things or what can rather be termed as emotions. As I write this piece, I get reverberating visions of my past or specifically the last quartet that I spent at a place far away from my family and yet amidst another one. These years have taught me lessons so invaluable that I seem to have not only graduated from my college but also from life's classrooms. I still remember when it all started... A tall and lanky guy with big dreams in his eyes and even bigger frustrations in his heart, standing and predicting where the road ahead might lead him. Someone who had lived his entire life under the protective cover of his family, being suddenly exposed to a world where he was on his own. Sounds very much like a teen movie but there I stood in my real life, no strings attached, stepping into my new home - my hostel. Although at the beginning it sounded pretty scary, as time progressed my emotions got the better of me. Not only I had to ward off the ghosts of my past inching me towards a pessimal existence, but also get acquainted with an alien environment and creatures who seemed like me but lived in a world different from mine. Initially it seemed unlikely that the two worlds would ever meet. But the foundation of our liaison was built by time itself. With passage of time, I found myself recovering from those shocks of the past and nurturing good ties with some survivors of those rubbles. And it wasn't long before I figured out that the world outside and its creatures weren't much different from me. They too had their own stories and own regrets. They too were trying to come to terms with life as was I. The occasion necessitated for a camaraderie of sorts and what evolved was a everlasting bondage. I made friends with many and for the first time tried to see life from a direction I had never seen before. That era of friendship helped me endure pain and surge ahead in the eternal race for survival. I started understanding myself better and looking at the beautiful things in life. I figured out the essence of love, the joys of being together, the intricacies of relationships, the grandeur of responsibilities, the satisfaction of helping others, the sanctity in comforting others, the elegance of setting an example for others, the pride in assuming what I was and the beauty of life itself. Its been years since I had last cried but when ever a friend hid his face in my shoulders and sobbed irrepressibly, I felt the pain he was through. I have laughed heartily throughout my life but it can in no way be compared to the laugh I have shared with my friends. Those moments clearly defined the value we had for each other. We stood through those pedestals of time like a band of brothers enjoying together, fighting together, dining together and more importantly surviving the mean world together.

And in a spark the celebration was over. The four years had ended. Our foster home required us no more. We were now supposed to be knocking the doors of the real bad world. We were required to separate from each other and move onto a new frontier in life. We were now on our own relishing control over whatever seemed to be ours. No doubt there lay a hint of satisfaction in all our hearts. We were now the masters of our own life edging towards earning the very first nibbles of our own salary and living the life we had all dreamt of. These were the sole remunerations we were getting at the onset of this farewell. Time might erode those lovely moments we shared but our bondage is here to stay for ever. Those jokes, those pranks, those grudges, those debts, those unspoken words will forever remain imprinted in our memories. May be a couple of years down the lane, we all might be striving harder to make a name for ourselves and in the process might be pitted against one another forgetting those days of thunder we shared. Who knows someday we might even become the reason for the downfall of our own friends with greed, jealousy and contempt playing spoilsport. But even then we will keep telling our future generations of how we met people and what great things have our associations with those people borne. We meet so many people in our life and every time we part we feel sorry about the occasion and then just forget about them. It baffles me why this parting has left so many uncorrupted memories. May be this wasn't just another case of meeting and parting.

As my oculuses are getting flooded in this torrential surge of emotions, I think I have conveyed enough through my words. It was destiny which decided where to send me four years back and it was my graduating out that decided I part from my companions. It is now up to me to decide whether I can meet those wonderful comrades of mine again, for the world is too small and there are too many people in it. So who knows when I might bump into one of those distinguishable gentlemen/ladies. Till then where ever I am, I would forever raise a toast to all you wonderful creatures and all those treasured moments, we shared, for making me what I am worth today.

P.S. : Adhering to my style, the title for this post has been inspired from a Oscar nominated short film Tales of Meeting and Parting.

Saturday, April 01, 2006

Confessions Of a Frustrated Mind

" You can not motivate a frustrated mind "
          -My Roomie's Entrepreneurship Notes

I wake up in the morning to find another monotonous day awaiting me. It's the same things I'll be doing today again as I had done yesterday. This stupid life is progressing with a snail's pace with a hue of lacklustre charm and no zing attached to it. The best way to describe my composure as of now would be , frustrated individual. It seems that I am frustrated with every thing around me. I am frustrated at my unexpected outbursts and random mood swings. I am frustrated at my outdated B.Tech curriculum and the mindless teaching attitude of the professors. I am frustrated at my physique, which is often a constant pet peeve against me, that never seems to metamorphose into something preferrable. I am frustrated at my introvertive nature and inability to enjoy and party with others. I am frustrated at the constant gender discriminations at various places that tends to suit either classes depending on the situation. I am extremely fed up with flooding of the saas-bahu soaps and the extra-marital gossips that seem to have become the cynosure of the TV and print media. I am frustrated about the way the Indian cricket and hockey team are playing these days and their inability to perform in crunch pressure games. I am frustrated at the way my superstar Sachin is handling his innings in recent years and at the way the media and the fans have been handling him. I am frustrated at the movies that are being churned out by the Punjab da Puttar , Sunny Deol and his frustrating role selections. I am frustrated at Man U's disappointing finish in the EPL and Champions League. I am frustrated by the way the politicians are looting the nation by conning the common man and I am more frustrated at the way the common man is allowing himself to be conned by acting innocent to all their illegal mannerisms. I am frustrated by the way how Celebrities are losing their dignity by stooping to lower grounds and how the media is making easy money by destroying their personal lives. I am frustrated at the way how channels like IndiaTV have betrayed the purpose of journalism and news making. I am fed up with the news stories that make headlines in the media which are filled with nothing but murder, corruption, rape, deaths, breakups and plain gossips. I am frustrated of losing cricket, Table Tennis and pc game clashes because of stupid errors I commit. I am equally frustrated at being labelled the tag of " Winners at home, Losers outside" in the various quiz competitions owing to my bad away results. I am frustrated with the shroud of bad luck covering me for eternality. I am frustrated at being blamed for every mistake I didn't commit intentionaly. I am frustrated at the way my life is shaping up in entirely unexpected terms with my search for my purpose in life heading towards nowhere. I am frustrated at being so much shy of the other sex. I am frustrated at losing all my adventurous might and courage when it comes to either expressing my love to my sweetheart or conveying my liking to any girl. I am frustrated at always curbing myself from doing things that would really convey the person I am and not the way I am interpreted as.

And with frustration all around me, I have started feeling confused... confused at the very thought of how my future plans would materialise? I am confused about whether a programmer like me who harboured dreams of having his own game development firm, would end up as common software consultant like the million others already working it out like horses only to get lost in the depths of oblivion. Or would I make a mark for myself and stand out amongst the crowd that would make my family, friends and countrymen proud of me. I am confused as to whether whatever I am doing is right or not and what consequences would it bear for me in the future. I am confused as to what everyone around me wants of me; while a bunch of them hail me as their inspiration, the rest of the pack doubt each of my skills and are eager to point out flaws in every deed of mine. I am confused as to whether the values that have been embedded in me since my childhood have really lost their value and hence should I join the others in their race for inconsequential glory by hook or crook. I am even confused at the antics of "My Friend up there" as the negatives seem to be holding an upper hand over the positives in this world thus harming the eternal balance. I am confused as to why every other thing in this world frustrates me and makes me confused. I am fed up with waiting with patience for time to heal my pains while I am bleeding like anything.

Is it just me who's through all of these or are my sufferings just an image of the way life goes on around this part of the ecosystem. May be I might be overreacting to everything that has happened to me till now and may be my mind doesn't want to take any more of this. But why am I breaking down after just 21 years of imprisonment in this mortal body while the whole world has much more horrible, painful and grotesque incidents to talk about. Its the problem with all of us who just lose their present languishing over their sufferings in the past. Most of this post was written by me on one of those not so pleasant mornings when I was highly upset over something and that made my frustrated alter ego to surface. But when I look back at that time now, I rue having wasted a part of my life gaining nothing. At this point what a frustrated mind can confess is that it is very easy to get frustrated and we cant of course stop that but to succumb to our frustration is another thing. Once we succumb to our frustrations we are dead much before our death because we lose the zeal to survive and fight. So instead make frustration an occasional incident rather than a contagious habit and fight off this monster before it grapples you into a state of remorse helplessness.

N.B. - The title for this post has been inspired from George Clooney's Hollywood flick Confessions Of a Dangerous Mind. I am actually posting this article much after I had written it.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Can't Buy Me Love

"Whom would you choose in love? The person you love or the one who loves you"

Well its been a long time since I last blogged. My mood swings really prevent me from doing certain things I would like to. Most of the time in between this and the previous post was spent initiating my B.Tech project, quizzes and chilling out... During this time a lot of incidents happened that I would have loved to pen down but couldn't. And the topic I choose now, goes against one of the promises I had made earlier that I would never ever write about love again in this blog. But still I decided to carry on. Last Sunday I happened to be browsing through the channels of my idiot box at home and was surprised to find a National Award winning Tamil Movie 'Iyarkai' starring Shaam,Kutti Radhika and Arun Kumar on the antique Doordarshan in the late night(thanks to the subtitles that helped me understand the movie). The story revolves around an innocent Christian girl Nancy(Kutti Radhika) who is waiting for the return of her so called lover who happens to be a Merchant Ship Captain Mukundan(Arun Kumar) for the past three years. While the young girl had been trully smitten by the captain and had insisted not to part with her lover, the captain, on the other side, was a practical fellow who had taken the actions of Nancy as more of an infatuation and had also warned her about it and after repeated requests promised that he would return within a year. As a symbol of love, he had given her a ring and told that if she hadn't found someone else before his return then he would marry her and this would be their wedding ring. But he doesn't return for around 3 years. In the meantime another ship comes into the port town bringing with it a mechanic Marudhu(Shaam) who happens to have taken more than just an interest in Nancy. The two become good friends as Marudhu offers to help Nancy find out the whereabouts of that captain whose name is even unknown to the gullible young girl but when Marudhu expresses his feelings for her, their relationship is blemished as she is not ready to accept anyone else but the captain. As the story progresses Marudhu keeps on trying to force Nancy to forget Mukundan and accept him for which he is even ready to give his life. One day they find out that the captain went missing in a ship tragedy. In the end its time for Marudhu to leave and before that he asks Nancy to select a chit containing either his or captain's name so that he could find out what God's plans are. And he says that this decision could be reversed by only Nancy's decision who upon pressure from family and friends chooses him. However when the wedding is supposed to take place on a Christmas evening, amidst the celebrations the Captain returns. In that moment of happiness everyone rejoices at his return and forgets about Marudhu. Understanding that Nancy had never loved him and had just compromised under pressure, he leaves the town quietly as in the backdrop there are celebrations for the captain and Nancy.

Anyone who watches the movie would really pour his heart out for the unfortunate Marudhu whose love goes in vain and is never reciprocated. But upon sincere analysis, even I found that the ending was justified. Since it was Marudhu who had been madly after Nancy all this time in spite of Nancy having always made it clear that she didn't love him. Moreover would he have been happy in his life with Nancy as she would never have been able to forget the captain, her true and first love. Though I am unaware of the fact whether you fall in love only once in your life or there can be more instances, one thing's for sure she would have felt compelled to be with him just because he had helped her. Moreover there is one thing we tend to forget regarding the captain. Had he not been of a good character, he would not have returned back that too after three years. And he indeed loved this girl, hence he kept his promise. Moreover if Nancy had chosen Marudhu over Mukundan then her three year's wait would have gone fruitless.Whatever may be the case, there is no denying the fact that destiny has a great control over our lives and we are waging an unrelentless war against it trying to achieve what we want while fate intervenes making us get whatever is destined for us. As in this case, the chit contained the name of the captain, although only the father at the church knew about it and it was destiny that rescued Mukundan from the clutches of death because he had to keep his promise. Although this was just another highly complicated love triangle, the real life Nancy would have had a very
difficult job at hand, since both the men had become part of life and giving either would have meant losing a part of her.

Coming back to the question I asked at the starting of this writeup. Personally I would choose the person I love because she is the only one whose love I can honestly reciprocate. Love doesn't have any logic so don't go searching around for reasons as to why you love someone because if you find the reason then its not love. Love understands only the language of love and sacrifice and there is no space for things like compromise, debt etc. Love cannot be forced onto, as Marudhu tried,its borne with time and affection. Definitely you can't buy me love, its not for sale... its only for offer from the innermost cores of your lover's heart, free of cost.


P.S. : Can't Buy Me Love is a famous hit track by the Beatles written by Paul McCartney as well as a famous teen hollywood movie starring Amanda Petersen and Patrick Dempsey.

Sunday, January 29, 2006

The Story of US

"There is no US in this . "
       Max Payne in MAX PAYNE 2 - THE FALL OF MAX PAYNE

In the journey of a lifetime, people say, it is always mandatory to have the company of someone who would help you in traveling the distance, be it your family or a close friend or the love of your life. This partner boosts you up when you are feeling low, comforts you in your sorrow and rejoices with you in your happiness, makes you feel your worth in this mad mad world and accompanies you through the ages. However I find myself castaway from this great virtue of companionship. I have been a selfish person throughout my life who has never thought about anything else but himself. I have always seen the world through my eyes and have disregarded the views of others in all respects. Through the years I have spent as myself, I have become such a stingy individual that my perceptions have become so much individualistic and egoistic that I have become incompatible with every other being in this world. Hence for the sake of their betterment and mine, it is justifiable that I tread the path alone.

My Family has not only been my greatest gift, my most essential weakness, my indefinite source of inspiration and strength but also the cause of whatever I am today. But in spite of all this, I won't be able to be with my family forever. Although I will never ever do anything that would bring shame to the name of my family and I know that one day I would reach such heights that my family will be proud of me, I feel I cannot always stick to my family because as a member of my family, my self-centered activities would do more harm than good to the peace of the homely environment. My family might misunderstand my withdrawal and aloofness and build a highly wrong image of mine but I am ready to pay this price in return of my family enjoying a happy and peaceful life.

My Friends have been a great means of sustenance for me who have often lifted me from the horrific world of reality to an enchanting globe of enjoyment. They have shared my dreams, boosted me up when I was down, encouraged and supported me in my work and have had faith in me even when everything seemed to be going against me. But I have given them nothing in return. A fake sense of togetherness, always concealed the real me from them, always tried to protect my interests even when I was helping them and worst of all, have never shared my sorrows and problems with them. I am not sure whether the way I have lost contact with my past friends, I would desert the ones I have now but one thing I am sure about is that neither can I repay them for whatever they have done for me nor can I include them in my journey of life as a permanent member.

My love for my sweetheart has been an absolute gift in disguise for me. It has taught me the lessons of sacrifice and affection that had for long eluded me. But the crossroads where I stand now prevent me from even expressing my love for her. Though she might never know it, she had come pretty close to becoming the US I had for long avoided. Moreover the relationships, that I have seen in others' lives, and the following break-ups have imparted such a dark frame in my imagery that I am afraid of building a relationship. The way life is shaping up for me, I presume love and relationships will remain a mirage for me in my future.

The only thing that still propels me through all the hardships, disappointments and frustrations is the will to achieve my dreams and fulfill my objectives why I am down here. This zeal convinces me that one day I will reach great heights and everyone who has been with me at any juncture of my life will be proud of that association and feel happy for me. To the world I might someday appear as one who has excelled and succeeded in the materialistic surge for superiority but only I will know what a big failure I have been on the personal front. The ones whom I love the most have been the ones who have hurt me the most and the tragedy is that in spite of all this, I can't see them get hurt. I will always pray for their well being and happiness even though knowingly/unknowingly they have shaped me into this monster. I am not worried about how the world or my closed ones interpret me tomorrow but I am convinced about one thing that my life with all its goodies and tortures are mine and I will share it with none. I came to being into this world alone and I will handle my existence alone before I leave it all alone...

Monday, January 16, 2006

Dreamcatcher

"Dreams give me wings to fly,
Opportunities so that I can try,
Tears so that I can cry,
Makes me do things from which I would normally shy.
Away from all the worldly strives,
In my dreams I have lived many a lives,
And therein, still, all my passion thrives,
where live my lonely vibes. "


In this world of harsh realities, dreams are the only way out. It is the only place of existence which is quite unlike the materialism we persist in, a place where all the ground realities are falsified, where all the laws of nature are defied, where all your wishes are fulfilled and nightmares come true. Imagine what would have happened to mankind if we humans had been deprived of this fantastic property! Many an inventions have been conceived in dreams, many an epics unfurled in them, many a symphonies been composed in them and many an aspirations been nurtured in them. Dreams are supposed be a sort of image sequencing done by the various facts known to you and the wide array of thoughts circling your mind even when you seem to be thoughtless. Well that would be the non-scientific explanation of dreams... I have nurtured many a dreams and personally feel unless you dream, you can't envision your goal. Not only the vision but also the persisting motivation to excel is provided by dreams. But the tragedy remains that seldom do all those dreams materialise. There is nothing more devastating than letting your dreams vanish into deprecating clouds of a myriad black hole and that too when the fault doesn't lie with you, you never lost sight of your dreams but destiny had other plans for you. I had dreamt of love, when I awoke I found myself receding away from it. I had dreamt of touching new frontiers and letting people know my capabilities, when I awoke I found my plans eroded. I had a dreamt of an aura of peace in my life, when I awoke I found a glutinous hue of discord surrounding me. I had dreamt of an ambition that I really wanted, when I awoke I found myself moving towards a mirage the world demanded. I had dreamt of a perfect world for myself, when I awoke I found myself living in a world that was crumbling every second of it.

Yet I haven't stopped dreaming... I'll never. Without my dreams, I lose the zeal for sustenance and I am reduced to someone I don't know. My dreams might have tumbled but I am not the one to give up. I know one day my dreams will decide the future of tomorrow. I am living for it. I am dreaming for it...

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Seven things that embarrass me

Well the following are the most voted embarrassing moments that were found during a recent poll taken by Champ. However only one person voted ( who else but Champ himself !!! ) and these are his personal selections. So here we go :-

7. I suddenly go on to the microphone and am about to deliver a very energetic speech when I suddenly figure out that I can't remember what I have to say and about hundreds of people are enthusiastically staring at me.

6. People taking my photographs or recording on me on camera and suddenly all the attention of the crowd is on me(and people say I am photogenic !!!).

5. Finding myself in a crowd of which I know none and I have to stay there for some hours and the only thing I can do is stare at other people who , on the other hand, are exchanging weird glances at me as if I am an alien.

4. I meet a person on the road, assume him to be a 'long time no see' friend of mine and start talking to him, untill soon I find out that I have got the wrong person. The embarassment adds up when that person turns out to be another person whom I really know.

3. I meet a relative in a party and can't recall his/her name and suddenly he/she asks me, " Do you recognise me? Tell Who I am? ". I am tongue-tied as I can't figure out who he/she is but have already given an impression that I know him/her.

2. Waiting for the Traffic light turn green while being stranded in a traffic jam and then the light goes green but... My bike won't start and hoards of horn sounds behind me just remind me that I am blocking the way of other vehicles.

1. I am caught by a family member while I am doing something uncensored (I wouldn't like to specify what uncensored means !!!)



N.B. : Let me assure you my personal preferences have nothing to do with the lines "Seven things" nor am I trying to make a spoof of Stephen Covey ( aka the author of Seven Habits of Highly Effective People" ). Its only that I ran out of more embarrassing ideas, so do expect a sequel and maybe after that another prequel to that sequel...